when quitting is good
When quitting is good.... Over the last ten years, I have quit everything from jobs to relationships to unhealthy or unproductive habits, to mindsets and unhelpful core beliefs. My focus has been on letting go of anything that was not aligned to my purpose, vision, values or needs.
At the beginning of this year, I made a couple of life choices that had a profound effect on my overall sense of wellbeing and joy.
First, I made the decision to stop drinking. I didn't drink all that often, but when I did, I found myself over-indulging just enough... to the point of not feeling well and then being very low on energy the following day. I wasn't very true to myself on the nights I over-indulged, either. Being under the influence impacted my behavior and some of my choices.
So I quit.
Within days of that decision, I ended a relationship that was starting to feel unhealthy and emotionally manipulative. My intuition had been warning me that something wasn't right for awhile. When my partner stopped honoring my boundaries and resorted to manipulative behaviors, I made the swift decision to release the relationship and refocus on myself, my friends and my business.
Both of these choices were acts of self-love and self-care.
Quitting gets a bad rap, but it's not always a bad thing to quit. Sometimes quitting is exactly what we need to do in order to care for our whole self. As we grow and evolve, our needs and priorities evolve too and we may find misalignment in different areas of our life.
Making the choice to quit something that no longer resonates is not selfish; sometimes its necessary.
How often do we hear "winners never quit"...? While this sentiment certainly has its time and place, it's not a hard rule that should ALWAYS be followed. If we find ourselves in a situation that is more draining than fulfilling over time, then we need to question if the situation is still the right fit. This extends to our work, our relationships, and other ways we spend our time.
We need to notice the time wasters and energy drains, and how we feel about the situations we find ourselves in. Activities, habits, and even relationships that are not moving us in our desired direction are a HUGE drain of our time and energy. If we are in a situation that's no longer aligned to how we want to be living or how we want to feel, then it may be time to make a new choice.
Endings are hard. As we bring old habits, ways of being, or relationships to a close, we may feel resistance and we may experience a sense of loss as we let go. It's important to honor our discomfort, but choose to keep moving forward.
When we let go of what's pulling us down, we feel lighter and we create MORE time, MORE space, and MORE energy.
Quitting the wrong things frees us up for the right things.
What is draining YOUR energy?
Can you make some adjustments or do you need to completely let go?
You've been married and divorced twice and you're a relationship coach...?
Yep! The calling to become a relationship coach was placed on my heart when I first started my business 9 years ago. I studied that niche but didn't pursue it right away because I had a lot of work to do in my own relationship space first...
In that time I've mended relationships, ended relationships, and cultivated new ones.
I've learned what doesn't work, and I continue to learn what does.
More importantly, I've done a lot of work to heal myself, which has had the biggest impact on how I show up in my own relationships.
A relationship coach doesn't teach you how to do relationships perfectly.... because well, no one is perfect. There are no perfect relationships and no perfect partners.
As a relationship coach, I help my clients evaluate their current relationships and make aligned choices about the changes they want or need to make. I encourage them to explore the challenging questions, address the difficult situations, and explore their own needs and desires for the relationship.
For some this means ending relationships.
For some this means staying in and examining the way they choose to show up and handle conflict.
For some this means speaking their needs or setting boundaries.
For some this means getting more present and spending more quality time with loved ones.
Each client's experience is completely different. There is no one-size-fits-all to relationship coaching.
As for me, I continue to learn and grow as I navigate my own relationships too. This is my life's work, my calling, and my passion, and I'm so grateful to be able to do it.
It's not selfish to...
Who needs to hear this?
It is not selfish to set boundaries to protect your time or energy.
It's not selfish to speak up and use your voice.
It is not selfish to stand up for yourself or stand your ground.
It's not selfish to put your needs first. Seriously.
It is not selfish to make choices that are best for you, or to live life your way.
It is not selfish to walk away from what has become unhealthy.
It is not selfish to change your mind.
It is not selfish to speak your truth.
It's not selfish to do what brings you joy.
Yes, care needs to be given to how some of these are executed and most certainly not everyone executes them well. But these in and of themselves do not make someone selfish.
Let's normalize doing what we need to do to care for our own wellbeing and energy rather than feeling wrong or inadequate for doing so.
"If standing my sacred ground, knowing my worth, setting boundaries, and prioritizing my own energy means to you that I'm selfish, then let me proudly live up your descripted version of me." (Tara Isis Gerris)
What impedes relationships
A few of the things that were getting in the way of me having rich, meaningful relationships...
*Ridiculously high (read: unrealistic) expectations of others
*Trying too hard to be perfect (so they didn't see my flaws)
*Trying to stay "in control"
*Being too hard on myself and others
*Not allowing time for fun or joy (all work, all the time)
*Not taking care of myself - physically, emotionally, or spiritually (which depleted my energy for others)
*Living in a constant state of tension and stress
*Living too much from my head and not enough from my heart
*Believing I wasn't good at relationships
Living in these patterns impacted my wellbeing, work, and personal relationships. I've been addressing these behavior patterns and integrating new practices, new beliefs, and new approaches.
*I made my own wellbeing a top priority and made time for fun, play, and the people and activities I enjoy most
*I made peace with my emotions and increased my emotional awareness
*I did the work to release my need for perfection and control, and to check my expectations
*I addressed the major sources of stress and overwhelm and integrated practices and techniques that helped me feel more calm
*I learned to stand up for myself and to communicate more effectively about my needs
*Shifting my beliefs about myself - learning that I AM good at relationships; acknowledging that I've made a lot of mistakes and misaligned choices, and that I've learned from them all.
What #relationshipgoals have YOU set for yourself?
Is it time for you to INVEST in yourself and your relationships?
Is it time for new choices and different ACTIONS?
I don't want to look back and think how wonderful it *could have* been if only I hadn't been so afraid to live my own life. So I make the choices that align to how I want to be living. For me, this means I spend a lot of time with my peeps, I welcome new adventures, and I get out and do the fun things I enjoy.
When I made the decision about ten years ago to learn to love my self, my life and my people again, I had no idea how much change would be forthcoming. When we make a claim like that, then we necessarily have to address everything in our life that is blocking what we want. When I compare where I am now with where I was then, I barely recognize my life. Where I live, who and what I fill my time with, and how I fulfill my purpose have all changed.
I am somehow both stronger and softer. I am more loving, and also less willing to be taken advantage of. I am more confident and more accepting of my imperfections and flaws. I still have a desire to serve and help others, but only in the ways that work best for me AND them.
I am no longer willing to over-commit or over-give at my own expense. I have learned how important it is to set boundaries, to allow endings, and to say NO when I need to. This leaves space for me to say YES to what is aligned and resonant for me... whether it be a project, an event, a way of doing business, or a relationship.
Anything or anyone that feels like it's draining my power or restricting my freedom isn't a fit for me. I've learned the hard way that when I'm in a draining or depleting situation or relationship, I am not at my best. I'm not as present, passionate or loving as I would otherwise be.
I have done much work to cultivate healthier relationships and more love and joy and I only have emotional and energetic space for that which ADDS to my sense of freedom, love, and joy.
When we identify something that no longer feels resonant or aligned, we need to decide what to do about that. Sometimes that means grappling with difficult choices, addressing fears, and facing uncertainty. I've done that for myself and now I help my clients too. I come alongside them as a compassionate companion and guide. I am not there to give them answers. Instead, I create a safe space for them to reflect, explore, ponder, and experiment. I invite them to trust themselves and their decisions. Here is what one client had to say:
"You asked me questions that helped me think deeper and see things differently. You helped open me to new possibilities when I was feeling really stuck in monotony. I feel like I have fresh ideas, a plan to move forward, and the tools to make things happen. Thank you for being a great guide and for giving me gentle nudging. I have really enjoyed and benefitted from our time together."
If you could use that kind of support in your life, I invite you to schedule a discovery session with me to see if we might be a fit.
Personal relationships have been one of my biggest struggles AND one of my biggest areas of personal growth. I've put my work as a higher priority over my personal relationships, causing stress and strain. AND I've learned to elevate the priority of personal relationships and find a better balance between the two.
I've tried to avoid conflict in relationships AND I've learned to communicate more effectively to address challenges as they arise. I've had strained relationships with partners and friends, and I've mended relationships. I've had to release unhealthy friendships/relationships, AND I've welcomed wonderful new friends into my life. I've struggled with dating AND I've learned so much through the process.
I've worked through the fears and stigmas of being twice divorced, of being happily single, and of being a single mom. I've changed a lot of unhelpful stories and beliefs about love and dating, such as:
*Dating is hard.
*Love is hard.
*I don't know if I'll ever find my next right person.
I have made significant changes in how I approach my personal relationships and I've made significant adjustments to how I view the dating process. Through self-reflection, I become aware of the ways in which I block my own success in cultivating healthy relationships and I do the work to make the necessary shifts.
I help my clients do the same, too. And my clients appreciate that I've been there - they know that I know how challenging this stuff can be. There's no judgment with me. I meet my clients where they are and provide the specific support they need to help them move forward.
Our relationships can be a source of conflict and challenge – or they can be a source of fulfillment and enjoyment. After doing so much work to cultivate healthier relationships in my own life, it’s important to me that I help others cultivate stronger, healthier, more fulfilling relationships in their lives, too. We are social beings and our connections and relationships matter.
When you choose to work with me, my role is to guide you, coach you, support you, and cheer you on as you pursue YOUR relationship or dating goals. My programs are based on my professional experience as a coach and trainer, my coach studies and training, AND my own personal experience with dating and relationships. I provide a structure and offer practical, easy-to-implement approaches - but everything is completely customized to each client's specific needs.
If you would like to learn more, I invite you to schedule a discovery session with me - it's FREE. This discovery session offers the opportunity for us to get clear on your specific needs and goals, and to determine if we would be a good fit for working together.
She has learned to love herself enough to:
*accept her flaws and imperfections
*step into her power
*stand up for herself
*speak up for herself and her needs
*create and hold her personal boundaries sacred
*commit to her dreams
*listen to her inner guidance
*let her intuition lead
It wasn't easy to get to this point. But she knows that all the challenges, obstacles, lessons, and mistakes along the way have been helping her learn to put down the heavy weight she no longer needs to carry. She knows that all the work she has done to forgive and release past resentments creates space for her to show up more fully in the present.
She's learning to reframe old stories and beliefs about herself, about love, and about life so she can stay open and welcome new opportunities and experiences that will be unlike anything she's ever encountered before.
She's no longer concerned about trying to make her life fit into other people's expectations, and she's not interested in trying to force things to work in ways that don't work for her. She's learned that her own inner guidance and intuition are the best, most reliable source for answers.
She's free.... free to become who she was created to be and to live and love bigger than she ever has before.
Each person’s journey is different, but it's normal to fumble a bit as we go through changes. It may feel like we take giant leaps forward and then fall down. Or maybe it feels like we take half a step forward and then 20 giant steps backwards. But what I’ve learned is that as long as we are committed to learning and growing, we never actually go backwards.
It only feels that way because as we find ourselves in unfamiliar spaces, we no longer know what to do or how to respond. We have no choice but to try new things and make new choices. Anytime we do something new, it's bound to feel uncomfortable.
Every step we take toward what we desire is a step forward, no matter how small, and even if we stumble along the way. Keep letting your heart and your intuition lead you forward. Rather than always grasping for the "right answer," know when you need to take the pressure off yourself and explore just the next step.
How rewarding it is when we pause and SEE that we are shifting our perspectives and making different choices and when we EXPERIENCE the impacts of those changes in our daily life.
When we notice that we are choosing differently and experiencing different outcomes, it's time honor ourselves for the work we've done, no matter how small it may seem. Because sometimes even the smallest shifts lead to the greatest results.